TO BE LOVED AND TO GIVE LOVE.
I am so nervous.I ring the bell and turn around and stare out infront of me.
“Hi there”I hear a mesmerising male voice behind me,so cool and soft and full of character and I turn around gasping as I stare back into a pool of the softest,yet expressionless brown eyes I have ever seen.I stammer as I look at the outstretched hand infront of me.Instinctively I reach out to touch the hand and return the greeting.For a second I almost got lost in that pool of brown eyes.
“Hi.Good morning.My name is René.Im here for the interview.”As I said that,my hand was still stinging of the pulses of electricity that just ran through it after the greeting.
“Please come inside” he said as he beckoned me towards a room that appears to be his study”Please have a seat” he says in his cool,calm voice as his gaze and attention is on me.”Let’s begin by telling me all about yourself”
And so my interview began.Almost an hour later I got up and made my way to the front door.He stretched out his hand again to greet me and said.”Thank you.”See you tomorrow.”That’s how I got the job as Mr Richards daughter’s nanny.An adorable four year old girl named Andrea,whom I had the pleasure of meeting.
That night I lie awake thinking about Rodger and my now broken relationship with him.The lies and deceit and what he has done to me.I realise how grateful I am for this job.At least it will give me a chance to forget about him if I devote all my time and energy into it.I roll over and cry myself to sleep.
I wake up and look at the clock.It is only 4:10am..I can’t sleep anymore so I get out of bed and stroll to the kitchen.I start making myself a cup of coffee while my mind is racing all over the place.I start thinking about Rodger and tears begin to well up in my eyes again.Tears of frustration and helplessness and a feeling of unworthiness creep over me.
I start crying uncontrollably and ask myself if this is really my reality.If this nightmare is really happening to me.I try to contain myself as I think of my new job and I try focussing on what lies ahead of me.I take my time choosing my outfit and start dressing slowly as I head off to my new job.
I find myself at the front door of Mr Richards again and I slowly reach out my hand to ring the bell.Again I turn around to face what is infront of me when I hear the door open and I turn around.
“Hi” I hear myself say.I notice once again the walking aid he has to use and I find myself wondering what happened to him.I look down and see Angela right there, clinging to her father’s leg and I think to myself.”What a beautiful sight”
“Come on in”he says to me and make yourself at home.”Angela say hi to René” Still clinging to her father’s leg Angela says.”Hi René”Angela give me a second Mr”Richards says.”Give daddy a second” but she keep clinging to his leg and does not let go her grip and leaves him immobile.
Instinctively I move forward and gently reaches out to her and says.”Come here Angela let me hold you for a minute.She reaches out her hands to me and I pick her up quickly and say to her.”Good girl” For the first time since I met him I see Mr Richards smile to reveal a pair of perfect white teeth but I notice his eye.There is no smile there.Is that pain I see there, expressing itself in his eyes.
The first few days went pretty well except for Angela’s aloofness towards me.She didn’t take to me yet but I am determined to cross that bridge between us.Somehow she still places distance between us even though I’m as nice and caring to her as I possibly can be.
A child her age should actually adapt to change real quick and open herself up to a caring and loving female figure really quick but somehow Angela has not opened herself up to me completely.This particular morning I’m busy dressing her when she goes into a fit of wailing and the more I try to calm her down the more she is wailing, like she is having a total melt down.Crying”Daddy daddy.”I want my daddy”
A while after trying she wouldn’t subside so I had to desturb Mr Richards from his work in his study to help me calm her down.As soon as she saw him she reaches out to him.He takes her and sits with her in the chair next to her bed and start rocking her back and forth saying.”It’s alright sweetheart.Daddy’s here now.Calm down honey.Its ok.Its going to be ok”
From where I was standing I watched the scene playing out infront of me.Soon after nestling against his chest she falls asleep where he briefly tells me about his wife’s death in a car accident they were involved in and how eversince then Angela has been like this.”I’m so sorry to hear Me Richards”I awkwardly say because at that moment no words were adequate enough and all I could do was to swallow at the lump that was beginning to form in my throat.All he replied to that was “Please call me Michael.
That night I lie awake, thinking about what Michael told me about his wife’s accident.It must have been so terrible for him.So devastating.He mentioned during my interview with him that he needed a nanny a month after some tragedy took place in his life.His wife’s accident must have been the tragedy he was referring to.I notice for the first time that my thoughts in bed wasn’t about Rodger any more.
It was about Michael and his little girl Angela and how they are beginning to take up the space in my heart that used to belong to Rodger and how they have a place in my thoughts.Im really glad that I can be apart of their lives and be there for Michael in this way.I turn around and close my eyes and realise that I’m smiling.
My thoughts were shifting.Shifting away from myself and what happened in my life with my relationship with Rodger and it is a good sign.A sign that I was moving forward in my life and somehow Rodger seems more like a distant memory to me.
The next morning I rise early.Richard needs to be at work early this morning and he needs me to be there at 7am.I dress quickly,brush my teeth and fly out the door.On my way driving there I go through my to do list in my head and remember him asking me to phone around for a great child psychologist and book an appointment for Angela.He seemed really concerned about her and so am I.
Loosing a mother at four years old must be the biggest blow a four year old could ever experience.One moment you have your caring, loving warm and affectionate mom always around you in whose arms you can run to whenever you need comfort and the next moment it’s just ….gone.All of it gone and at four years old you dont even know how to make sense of that.How to comprehend that.
How do you explain all that to a four year old when their reality is not even like yours.When their understanding of things are not on your level.That thought really makes me shiver.Poor Angela.I just feel like holding her right now.Be there for her.Fill that black hole in her life.
I arrive on time, switch off the car and run up to the front door.I press the bell and wait as I breathe in the fresh air of the crisp morning.The door opens and I walk in.”Good morning Richard.”Good morning René.Thank you for being early.”
First thing I do is help Richard to his car with his things.He is not quite able to do everything on his own yet,but he is getting better at it every day.Soon he won’t be needing that cruth,which he says is a pain, to lean on any more.Next I check in on Angela where she lie asleep in her bed.
I stop at the door for a moment just to look at her.She looks like an angel.An angel with puffy cheeks.She look so peaceful when she is asleep,but what happens when she wakes up.What is her world like to her when she wakes up.What is her reality.Is it hard for her.I can’t help thinking what I felt like when Rodger left.When I was alone and hurting.Was it like that for her.Is it like that for her now.
I stood like that for a while before going to the phone to make a couple of calls, hoping I would find the perfect psychologist for Angela.She needs to see one soon and I would be the one taking her for her sessions.Not long after I get off the phone I hear Angela cry down the hallway.
I run to her aid and lie down next to her, comforting her by doing what I thought her mom had done.I put my arm around her and gently stroke her hair reassuring her of my presence and immediately she nestles up against me like I had seen her doing with her dad the other day.It made me gasp.Are you hungry Angela.Must I fix you some breakfast.She looks at me with those puppy dog eyes and nods her head up and downwdown saying.”Uh- huh.”
I scoop her up in my arms and twirl her around the room and she shrieks and screams and giggles all at the same time.I place her in her chair at the kitchen table and reach into the cupboard for her breakfast.I want frosties she says.I look at her and say.”Ok.Frosties it is.”
Later that afternoon in the lounge while Angela is busy watching her favourite cartoon show and I’m flipping through some magazines,we hear Michael’s car pull up outside.I make my way out the door to help him with his things and into the house.He walks into the lounge where he is greeted by Angela.”Daddy,daddy look I’m watching mini mouse.”Hi Angela.How is daddy’s favourite girl.”
He bends down to greet her and plants a kiss in the middle of her forehead.”Do you wanna see my painting daddy.”She runs to fetch it and brings it to him.”Daddy it’s you.I painted you daddy.”He takes it from her and looks at it a while and says.”Very nice Angela.Thank you.”They both smile.
Then he turns to me and ask if I had managed to find a good psychologist yet and if I managed to make an appointment.”Not yet”I say.”But I will soon.Im almost there.I’ve already spoken to a few of them.I still need to decide.I will know in a day or two.”Good” he smiles.”Im pleased to hear that at least.I had a rough day at work and I need to rest.I look at him and ask.”Can I get you some coffee Richard.Yes that would be great.” he says.”I’ll be in my room.Will you make sure Angela doesn’t desturb me while I sleep.I really need to rest.Sure I can do that.”He turns to leave then he turns back and says.”Thanks.”He gives me a small smile that lingers for a while then disappear to take on the look of fatigue.He goes to his room straight after.
I stare back at him as he leaves and it’s almost as if he is carrying the whole world on his shoulders.Suddenly he seems so frail and weak and a deep feeling of emphaty for him sweeps over me in that moment.In the kitchen I make his coffee as quickly as I can and take it to his room.I need to make sure I keep Angela entertained in order to prevent her from desturbing her father.I decide to bath her earlier than usual just to keep her occupied and under my gaze to make sure she doesn’t slip into her father’s room unknowingly.
We sit on the couch together while I watch something with her.I wake up to some fidgeting over me and Richard pulling up blankets over me.I sit up confused to make sense of what’s happening.”Gosh what”…”
“Im sorry”he says.For keeping you here so late.I didn’t realize how tired I was.O now I get it.I must have fallen asleep on the couch,with Angela.”What time is it” I ask.”Eight pm” he says as he picks Angela up from the couch,to carry her to her room.”And I’m really sorry.
“It’s okay.Its not like I er…have someone waiting for me at home,as I look at him in that awkward moment and I become aware of my loneliness,and his.When he comes back I announce that I’m ready to leave.We look at each other quietly before he says.”Do you at least wanna stay for coffee before you go.”I um…I.Okay.I hear myself say.So we had coffee together and I had to look into his penetrating brown eyes a couple of times while we spoke.
I got home and went to bed.I found I couldn’t sleep and I kept tossing and turning.I sit up and stare blankly Infront of me thinking about me and Richard having coffee just a few moments ago.Then I make another attempt at falling asleep and fail miserably.Whats going on with me.Why can’t I sleep.Must be the fact that I fell asleep with Angela on the couch earlier on.
I look at the time and see that it is way past 11pm and I still can’t sleep.I decide to phone my bestie.I know she is going to be mad at me but I phone her anyway.”Hi Hayley what you doing.”
“Im asleep.”Whats up.Is everything ok.”Yeah everything’s okay.I just er… can’t sleep.Do you have a moment.Well yes of course I have a moment.Go ahead.”Then I tell her about Richard and our coffee drinking together.And she listens to me till I don’t know what time.Are you inlove.No silly.Im not inlove.Then why are you loosing sleep over this. In her mocking voice she days.”Somebody’s in deniaaaal. As always we end up talking into the wee hours of the morning when something is so important to talk about,and then it dawns on me Is this one of those times.
After all was said and done,just before I hang up I say.”Hey we should really go for coffee over the weekend.When are you free.Yes we should.Definitely.I would like that,” and so we made a coffee date.
It’s Saturday morning and I just got out of the shower.Im so excited as I’m getting ready to meet Hayley this morning.We gonna have breakfast and coffee somewhere and just talk our heads off.I slip into something comfortable and touch up my hair.I really love spending time with my best friend.
As we having breakfast she wants to know more about Richard,what kind of person he is.Are you falling for him she asks.I look up at her and asks.Are you crazy.Hes my employer. I’m not falling for him.Get serious.”
“I am” she says.No Im not falling for him.Hes my boss.Hes a nice man.”And also a lonely man she butt’s in.And so are you.And from what I hear from you,he does sound like a nice man.A very nice man.And then she give me that look.Get out of here I say.Besides,I don’t want to get into another relationship so soon after Rodger you know.It still hurts.Im still busy getting over it.
Ok I understand.Lets give it some more time And when you change your mind I just want you to know that you have my approval on this one Thanks mom You just won’t stop hey“.Lets pay the bill and get out of here before you get any more crazy ideas inside that head of yours.They both laughs as they grab their things and head for the door.Thats the amazing thing about our friendship.We can tell each other anything and not feel awkward about it.We understand each other in a way that nobody else understands us.More like soulmates.I just love my bestie.
We find ourselves driving along the beach road and just drinking in the peaceful scenery around us.O what a beautiful clear day.We don’t say much.Each of us just enjoying the peace we are experiencing right now.O it is awesome.Cant we just stand still in time.Freeze this moment.She look outside then glance at me and says.Cant we just stay in this moment forever and escape the realities of life.I laugh.You’re speaking my thoughts out loud.We look at each other and just smile.
“My place.Your place” she asks.”I don’t know I say.You decide.”Your place” she says.”I need a change of scenery.My place will just remind me of the heated argument I had with Allan last night.Hey why didn’t you say anything.Im sorry.Here I am talking about myself and what’s happening”Ok.We can talk about it” I say.You sleeping over.Yeah.Why not.Lets have girls night at your place.Yeah let’s do this thing!Having a bestie is bliss!